Author of Shattered: Finding Hope and Healing Through the Losses of Life
1. What motivated you to write a book on loss?
Certainly my own personal losses were definitely a significant factor, but as a therapist sitting with clients over the last 12 years, I noticed a consistent theme in each person’s story. It didn’t seem to matter what their presenting problem was, loss was always a significant piece of what had affected their hearts. Many of these individuals didn’t stop to notice the effects of their losses, much less put words to them. So my observations about the nature of these losses and the effects they had on people’s hearts led me to write this book.
2. How did you handle your own season of grief?
My guilt kept me from addressing the real issues that were going on for me. The truth is I was angry at myself for not being perfect. I was angry at what was happening, and I was angry that I was losing my dad. Guilt had me tied up about my performance and all my shortcomings instead of addressing the core issues of my heart. When I was able to see that, I began to move forward. I was able to realize that God held my father’s life in his hands and that he wanted to minister to my dad in his time of need. My jumping in all the time was hindering my dad from depending on the Lord.
3. What could God be up to in our lives through the trials we face? How could considering his presence in the midst of a trial change our response to it?
Grief work is an intentional and deliberate action we need to take for healing and for recovery to occur. In order to move toward recovery and reclaim our hearts, we must consider the following tasks of the heart: acceptance, faith, surrender, and forgiveness.
We need to accept what he has allowed to come into our life right now, to grow you into deeper dependence and to accomplish his purpose in your life. We fear when we aren’t assured of the outcome. And we fear when we feel helpless. Sometimes these tasks happen together and sometimes over a period of time but they need to be a part of every individual’s life who has faced a trial and loss.
4. You talk about what is involved in walking through grief and loss and when things happen that we don’t expect. How do we approach the loss of control during our losses?
Surrender is the answer to the roadblock of control. It says that we are willing to drop the rope. Before that can happen, we must be fully convinced that we have no more tricks left to pull out of the bag to make life work. Surrender flows out of brokenness, with an attitude of humility and meekness. It’s a gentle yielding of our will to the Master’s because we trust his heart.
5. Anger is often a part of the emotions a grieving person feels. From a counselor’s perspective, can you explain why this is so?
For some, admitting anger is difficult. We have grown accustomed to using this roadblock as protection from other unpleasant emotions we would rather not experience. But if these emotions are not recognized and attended to, our anger may eventually give way to disengagement. The battle for our hearts may be lost. We need to admit our anger, deal with it as we process our losses, and be honest about all of the emotions we feel, anger being one of them.
6. What are some of the ways to deal with the heartbreak of loss?
We must practice surrender. Sometimes holding onto our hurts seems easier than letting them go. It’s more comfortable, more familiar. Surrender is risky, requiring that we trust God with abandon. If we’re honest, we may be afraid of what God will require.
Surrender will lead us to a place of peace. Unconvinced, we may buy into the lies that say God is distant, untrustworthy, unmerciful, or uncaring. If so, we’ll live in continual conflict and frustration. Surrender equips us to handle whatever lies ahead. It stills the fear of the “what ifs” and reminds us in whom we have placed our faith.
7. Why do people feel that, during grief and loss, God is further from them than they have ever felt?
The truth was God had a lot more to teach me about loss and suffering before I would be ready to do his work. During that time in the wilderness, I felt lost. I felt like God was a million miles away and that he didn’t hear my cries. I wasted a lot of time letting my feelings define my reality. Scripture assures us that what we think or feel has little to do with truth. God was never far. The Bible says, “The Lord is near,” and that in the day of trouble he will keep us safe in his dwelling (Ps. 27:5).
We must acquire patience along this journey, and we must anchor ourselves to a God who knows the way, even when we believe we have a better one.
8. How do you let others into your story and how does that help a person going through loss to move forward?
God’s desire is that you tell your story to someone. When you do, you will start to break the powers of darkness and silence the screams of your own soul. And in order to rekindle our passion and reinvest our hearts, we must move toward desire. His desire is to use our pain to cultivate a new life of possibility. Our losses aren’t the end of the story. They are only the beginning. The story you’re telling now is still unfolding, and the real story is yet to come. There is no death for us.
9. How do people recover from the losses of life?
Individuals recover by catching a vision for the greater role that we were designed to play, and the bigger purpose beyond ourselves. In other words, we must slowly begin to see with eternal eyes, that which is so difficult to see when loss first assaults our hearts---the story isn’t finished yet. There is more that we need to look ahead to as we think about where our hearts have been through our loss. Life is an ever evolving moving forward and if we look behind we can’t be moving forward to what lies ahead.
10. How is your book different than traditional books on grief?
The focus of my book is on the heart. A lot of books on grief address death, but I was more interested in addressing how the abstract losses of life affect our heart; things like: shattered dreams, unmet expectations, loss of identity, role loss, loss of trust, the things that we don’t always think of as losses, but over time, have serious long-range consequences on our hearts.
The book is based on the verse in Luke 22:31-32. It’s divided into 3 themes based on the verse. First, “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat.” That’s how loss feels---you’ve been sifted. Loss assaults our heart. Second, “I have prayed for you Simon that your faith may not fail.” The good news, the exciting part is that Jesus is sitting at the right hand of the Father interceding on our behalf! You and I are in a battle for our hearts everyday, and he’s saying, don’t give up, press on, I’m praying for you. Our hearts matter to him. The third part of the verse speaks about re-investment in life---Simon, when you turn back, when you’ve come through the caldron of affliction, when your heart becomes whole again, turn back and strengthen your brothers. In other words, re-invest your heart in life, in others, in kingdom purposes. Find your passion and go for it. That’s when we’re found most fully alive.
11. What do you recommend as a final step in the grief process?
Write a good-bye letter to your grief. It’s a chance to take a final glance back, reflect on what changes have taken place in your heart, and write about the transforming power of God. In the end, the choice you make to press on and remain faithful to the will of God will secure your passion and define your purpose.