My story is fairly common amongst those that have been afflicted, but to the outsider it’s completely bizarre. I was 23 years old and on top of the world. I was a recent college graduate, living in a big city with too many friends, just as I had planned. But as we all come to learn at some point in our lives, “the best laid schemes of mice and men, often go awry.” I was about to experience something that would force me to quit my job of 4 years, move back in with my parents and question everything I knew about myself.
The day was progressing just like every other that falls between Monday and Friday. I was at work, sitting in my bosses office talking about some business proposal that in no way sparked my interest when all of a sudden the room started caving in on me. The walls warped, rippled and shifted. Color faded from my surroundings and my world went silent. I could see what was happening to me, but I could not experience it. These sensations were too strong, too much for a human to comprehend and I began fading out of consciousness. SNAP! Before I was completely engulfed by the darkness, something forced me back. It was very similar to that feeling you get when you finally start to fall asleep and without warning your body jolts you awake. I jumped to my feet, ran to my office and took stock of what was happening to my body. My mouth stopped producing saliva yet the rest of my body was soaking wet. My heart was beating a mile a minute and my brain was having so many thoughts that unconsciousness would have been a welcomed respite. Is this what dying feels like? I got in my car, drove to the closest emergency room, went straight up to the desk and said, “I’m having a heart attack!”
If this situation sounds somewhat familiar to you, you can probably fill in the rest of this story. I of course wasn’t dying; however, it would be over 4 weeks, 9 trips to various medical facilities and 3 incorrect diagnoses before my family and I, through the powers of the Internet, solved the riddle on our own. I had just experienced my first of hundreds of panic attacks.
Am I Going Crazy?
The things panic disorder can do to your psyche are astounding. I felt broken, weak and ashamed. What kind of strong, athletic, virile, young man is literally put out of commission by the musings of his own imagination? I mean, if it’s “all in my head” why can’t I just relax a little and let it all go away? Panic kept me from going back to work, enjoying large gatherings and trying new things. Panic made me feel like, for the first time in my life, I was truly susceptible. I was a flawed, faulty person; an engine part that needed to be recalled.
Since that day 5 years ago, panic has become a part of my life...but I refused to let it become my life. Instead, I used it as an excuse to do something I had always wanted to do but never had the guts...be my true self. I turned inward. I opened my own Pandora’s box of insecurities and “unpacked” them one by one.
First I realized I needed to try to let go of my shame and in doing so become even more vulnerable. Instead of putting on a happy face, I decided to let those closest to me in. I reached out to my friends and started telling them a little about my struggles. When I did this, something funny happened. None of them judged me or viewed me as weak, but instead they listened and understood. They transformed from being someone I kept at arms length to a true friend; someone who had fears, worries and insecurities just like me.
Next I realized that I can’t please everyone and that’s OK. I’m the kind of person that can never say no. If you need help with something and ask for it, I’m in. If you are bored and want to go out but no one else does, I’m your guy, even if I’m completely exhausted. If you say something I disagree with, I won’t tell you, instead I’ll find a mutually agreeable conclusion just so there is no tension. The problem is, there IS tension, but it becomes internalized and it stirs like a dormant volcano silently building up an explosion of emotion.
I got involved in projects that I was interested in and I spent as much time on them as I felt like. I took naps when I wanted to, I exercised when I wanted to and I paid attention to what my body and mind needed. It was during this time that I began to realize that I never actually thought about what I wanted out of life and what made me excited. I mean sure, I said things like, “I want to make a lot of money,” and, “I want to change the world,” but those are empty goals if there is no substance behind it.
Finally, I admitted to myself that this was real and I needed help. So I went and spoke with a trained professional, Rita Schulte. It is during this time that I gained the tools necessary to take on my final goal of returning to the place it all began, work. I found a company I believed in and I jumped. It is at this company where I remain today and I feel like my 5 year journey has paid off, but it was not easy. As I sat at my desk the very first day, all of the feelings and emotions of panic came roaring back with a vengeance, determined to undermine all of my hard work. I wanted to scream, I wanted to run, I couldn’t believe this was happening again! But I thought back on my time and my training and I battled back. Instead of fighting the feeling, instead of engaging in all of the normal negative self-talk, I temped fate. I WELCOMED fate. I told myself to faint, pass out, go crazy, do whatever I had to do but I wasn’t leaving unless I was carried out on a stretcher. And you know what happened? I made it through the day, I survived. That night, after one of the hardest fought days of my life, the clouds parted and the darkness of panic retreated. It knew it was going up against too strong of an opponent and I was no longer under it’s control.
Now, every day that I’m in control of my life seems like a blessing. I’m not saying that I’ll never feel anxious, have a bad day or feel the effects of panic. But any time panic creeps up and tries to regain it’s foothold, I am able to reflect on my experiences and know that whatever it tries to throw at me I can handle it, I can survive it and most importantly, I can learn from it.
Chris
My panic attacks aren’t/weren’t this severe but…they started several years ago. Your statement about ‘go ahead and pass out, go crazy or whatever but you’re not going anywhere’…I needed that. I used to play the piano in church {for years} but have been terrified to try again because of not wanting to feel that panic again in front of people. I guess I need to just try…whether I pass out or not. 😉 Thanks for sharing your story.
thnx for writing susan. What people do is AVOID when they fear something. That’s the worst you can do. Press through. Check out the pods.