Being Transparent and Vulnerable – Is it Worth it?

By Tracy Ruckman

I just read a blog post by a writer friend, and it brought me to tears. Carol Moncado’s post “Writing from Personal Experience” made me hurt for her, and all that she’s been through lately, but it also made me realize something about myself that I’m reluctant to admit.

I can’t write the painful stuff.

Every day I read stories of heartbreak that almost always reveal a victory of sorts. Carol’s story is just one example of courage, strength, persistence – of doing what God has called her to do, using events in her life to touch the lives of others. Other writers – like Staci Stallings, Matt Patterson, Gayle Roper, Diann Hunt, Terri Blackstock, Eva Marie Everson, Jeannie Pallett – oh my goodness, the pain and trials they’ve gone through and the writing that has come from each one of them has touched hearts and changes lives, including my own.

I want to touch hearts too. And yet, I can’t write the painful stuff.

Why not?

To be honest, I’m not sure. Perhaps I beat myself up too much over all of it. Just writing this particular blog post has me in tears, and I haven’t shared anything painful. Just the thought of sharing is sometimes too much for me. And I really hate drama.

Author Amy Wallace spoke at a local writers meeting in March, and said that she went to work writing each day, knowing she would have to pour herself onto the page, knowing she would spend most of her day crying over what she put her characters through, because to capture their emotion, she had to feel it herself. I asked her how she made herself go to work each day, and everyone laughed. But I was dead serious.

I’m not there yet, and not sure I want to ever be there. Who wants to read stories about poverty, jail, abuse, adultery, promiscuity, divorce, health issues ~ oh, wait. Hollywood likes that, don’t they? Why is it easier to think I could write a script about all of those things, but not so easy to think of writing an article or, horror of horrors, an entire book about painful events?

Hollywood glamorizes even the yucky stuff. There’s nothing glamorous about struggling to make ends meet each month. Nothing glamorous about having big dreams on a less-than-shoestring budget. Nothing glamorous about waiting on the justice system to decide the fate of an adult child. Nothing glamorous about dealing with the effects of divorce decades after it happened. Nothing glamorous about health issues, a messy house, trying to get a college degree the year you turn 50.

But there’s something else at play here, too. Not only is it not glamorous to go through the trials listed, but if/when you do, there’s an almost palpable condemnation that comes with each trial. Perhaps the condemnation comes from within for the most part, but I’ve unfortunately experienced enough of it on the outside to make me cautious, even cynical.

Why should I reveal my pain, only to have it tossed back in my face? If you lived the way you should, God would bless you. Or If you hadn’t been so sinful, God wouldn’t have punished you. Or If you had more faith … or prayed more … or gave more … or worked harder … or worked smarter … or was a better parent/child/friend/spouse. Or all the other shoulda/coulda/woulda’s you might imagine that would make someone’s life better – if only. Real or perceived, the condemnation is there.

Then there are the million-dollar questions: How can my heartache, heartbreak actually help someone? How can I help others when I don’t have a clue how to even help myself? And really, does anyone actually care?

I just want to make people happy. I want people to know God’s love, experience His forgiveness, dwell within His presence. I want people to know the Joy that only He can give, the sense of purpose that comes with living for Him, through Him.

I can’t write the painful stuff – at least not with abandon, and at least not now. Because my life is blessedly interwoven with others, some of the stories aren’t mine to tell. Some of the stories are still being created.

But …

During the time I was writing this post, I surfed through some of the blogs I read regularly, and one comment jumped out at me. The writer said she was tired of Christian fiction being so heavy – so serious. At first, I agreed with her, but the more I thought of it, one particular Bible verse came to mind. 1 Peter 4:7 says, “The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.” Eternity is serious business, and we can’t take lightly our calling – our worldview – as Christians and as writers. Even if it means being transparent, being vulnerable, sharing our pain, so while I totally understand her comment, I also realize that perhaps those books with the serious messages weren’t written for her – maybe they were written for someone – even just ONE – who desperately needed that message to finally know and understand God’s love, mercy, forgiveness, grace.

So then we must ask ourselves, is ONE person worth all our pain, worth all our transparency, our vulnerability?

Oh, yeah. Jesus thought so. So should we.

Apparently, God isn’t finished with me yet. What about you?

 

 

Tracy Ruckman owns Write Integrity Press and Pix-N-Pens Publishing, two traditional publishing companies founded in 2011. In addition to her regular duties, she now offers services as a publishing consultant to help writers achieve their own goals and dreams. This summer, she is coordinating Magnificent Hope’s world tour called Hope Tour 2012. You can follow the journey, and play along with the “Where in the World is Magnificent Hope?” for a chance to win some great prizes! Just like Magnificent Hope on Facebook to join the fun!